Greedy Ron And The Three Seconds Of Thinking Ahead
by Right What Is Wrong
Summary: It's that fanfiction plot again: Ron's been bribed by Dumbledore to pretend to befriend Harry and keep him down! Only... Ron's given this situation a bit of thought... /oneshot, Dumbledore-bashing, mild Ron-bashing, parody/


**Author's Note** : This fic takes one of the two premises of most bribed-to-be-Harry's-friend!stories seriously - that Ronald Weasley is powered solely by self-interest - and completely ignores the other - that he also has the intelligence of a turnip.

Ron Weasley was not the cream of the crop, as eleven-year-olds went. He was lazy, resentful, and hungry for what he didn't have.

Contrary to what his older brothers believed, however, he was not stupid. You-Know-Who had gone to the Potters' house - some said because he feared Harry Potter might be a greater Dark wizard than himself - and gotten himself... something. Blown up? Vanished? Turned into a chicken? Who knew. Now Dumbledore was paying a random kid without distinguishing merits (as Ron was acutely and bitterly aware), who wouldn't be missed if he were to, _say_ , get blown up, vanished, or turned into a chicken, to go "befriend" Harry Potter and keep him from doing anything too spectacular.

This reeked of the Light equivalent of what You-Know-Who had done, except that at least You-Know-Who had bothered to do the job himself. Maybe it wasn't even Light, and Dumbledore had just learned from You-Know-Who's failure. Who knew. What Ron _did_ know, however, was that Dumbledore was hiding behind his skirts because he couldn't be bothered to do the job himself.

And Ron didn't even _have_ skirts!

So: very well. If Dumbledore couldn't be bothered to do the job himself, Ron couldn't be bothered to do the job for him. And since Dumbledore hadn't been honest enough to admit Ron was being set up, Ron wouldn't be honest enough to resign. Besides, he bet Dumbledore didn't intend to hold up his end of the deal anyway. "Payment to be set aside for him in a vault, claimable when he came of age" - sure. How long was he going to last, mucking with someone who blew up the Dark Lord when he was a year old and whom Dumbledore feared? Six years was _forever_ from now. Harry Potter would probably find out within the year and - he didn't know. Blow him up? Banish him all the way to Brazil? Use his powers to make it so Scabbers went to Hogwarts and Ron was the mangy, pathetic rat he carried around all day?

Merlin, _that_ was a horrible thought.

He wasn't stupid enough to find out. And, besides, if Dumbledore was willing to even _pretend_ to bribe him to neutralize Harry Potter, he bet the rewards of _actually_ befriending Harry Potter would be even better. The Potters had been rich - he'd learned that from Ginny's rhapsodizing about the Boy-Who-Lived. A few Galleons for a friend here, a few Galleons for a friend there, and dear Merlin - he'd have more money than his whole family! He'd be able to buy his _own_ clothes! He'd never have to eat corned beef again! Maybe he could even buy a new chess set!

But enough of counting his Augureys before they'd screeched, so to speak. Besides, that wasn't the only thing.

If Harry Potter was really the next great Dark wizard or Light wizard or maybe That-Horrid-Time-When-Mum's-Yelling-At-You-To-Get-Up-And-It's-Not-Even-Light-Out wizard, then he would be the most important bloke in the Wizarding world someday. And who would be second-most-important? Why, whoever he listened to. His second-in-command, the person who had his ear, the most trusted confidant...

Cor, that person would practically rule the Wizarding world. He knew this because Lucius Malfoy wasn't the actual Minister, but he'd heard his dad complaining often enough that he might as well be. In fact, he might even be _more_ powerful, since he not only had Fudge listening to him but a whole bunch of other folks. But if You-Know-Who was around, he'd obey him, because all Slytherins were cowards who obeyed the strongest bloke around. And if You-Know-Who was listening to someone?

Yesss.

Lord Potter's closest friend, his greatest confidant, his companion since childhood... Ronald Bilius Weasley. It had a nice ring to it. (Minus the Bilius. He should change that to something more impressive. Wasn't like it was unprecedented; he would bet his entire Chocolate Frog card collection that Albus _Percival Wulfric Brian_ Dumbledore hadn't _really_ begun life with three middle names...)

After all, _none_ of his brothers had been the right hand of a Dark Lord before.


End file.
